Monday, July 30, 2007

I have it on good authority that the stars don’t like Mondays any more than you do. Why else would they suck so badly? So before you get to complaining about how the weekend is never long enough or how you didn’t want to get out of bed this morning or how the traffic was really, really bad or how nothing has gone right so far, just stop. Because you don’t want to piss off cranky stars. They’ll just strike your whiny ass with a bolt of lightning.

Your Lucky Cranky Sitcom Star: Roseanne
Your Lucky Cranky Muppet: That one old one



Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome is not cranky in any way. I read ‘em like I see ‘em and if you don’t like it, suck it. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC becoming a big wave surfer and putting cocky old Laird Hamilton in his place.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

This business is like an ego hatchery. We sit on our little egos and try to protect them. Under our warm bums, they grow large, but also become soft and fragile. And sometimes we’re so anxious about defending ourselves that we reject those things that would actually make them stronger. Like compliments. Think back to the last time somebody said something nice to you. How did you respond? Did you say, “Hey, thanks. I appreciate that.” Or did you say, “Oh it was nothing. Let me enumerate for you all the reasons I don’t deserve the compliment you just bestowed.” Bet you a nickel it was the second one. Next time, try just saying “thanks” and see what happens. But I wouldn’t advise strutting around and crowing. That just pisses people off.

Your Lucky Coffee Flavor: White Chocolate Caramel Crack Chip
Your Lucky Saved by the Bell episode: The one where Jessie becomes a meth addict


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC has a nicely formed ego that’s just the right size and just the right harness. And no, she has never cried at work, so shut up. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC finding a magic bean and instead of fighting with the giant at the top of the beanstalk, making friends with him and helping him understand why he’s so lonely inside.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Next time you feel like you’re in a bit of a creative rut, don’t bother looking through old annuals or watching other people’s spots. That will just make you feel like crap. Instead, go play with a kid. Children are master concepters. For a lesson in lateral thinking, watch how quickly a kid can turn a playground structure into a vast plain trampled by dinosaurs or an underwater lagoon where wily octopi must stalk jellyfish with “stingers that are like longer than you” or a grocery store where the friendly cashier accepts wood chips for payment and gives you suspiciously rock-like “candy” in exchange. Just don’t poop your pants. That’s not even cute when kids do it.

Your Lucky Logic-Defying Fashion Trend: The little charms people put in the holes on their Crocs
Your Lucky Washed-Up Comedian: Andrew Dice Clay



Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC has never pooped her pants, except for one time when she was eight and was really sick and was walking home from school and it was a long walk and there weren’t any conveniently located 7-11s, okay? Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC rocking the world by playing a smoking version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” on her ukulele. Take that, Jimmy.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It’s often said that our greatest strengths are also our biggest weaknesses. So today, take a close look at the things you think are best about you. Chances are, those things are driving everyone around you crazy. Happy Tuesday!

Your Lucky Time-Wasting Website: www.passiveaggressivenotes.com
Your Lucky Underappreciated Classic-Rock Album: Rush, 2112


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. The whole strengths being the flip side of weaknesses thing only has one exception: Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC has no weaknesses. Only strengths. Do you hear me? Strengths only! No weakness! Weakness bad! BEEFCAKE! Umm, yes, uh, where were we? That’s right: Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC getting a call from Anna Quindlen, wherein Anna tells Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC that she wants to be her mentor and writing buddy, kind of like Sean Connery is to that kid in Finding Forrester.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Sometimes the truth hurts. But many still say that honesty is the best policy. Don’t listen to them. Those people are just spiteful jerks who enjoy crushing dreams and smashing hope. When faced with the possibility of telling a hurtful truth, real friends lie. Inside your head, you might think, that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. But out of your mouth should come nothing harsher than a tepid acknowledgement of the suggestion’s potential. It’s like if Dan Weiden was concepting with David Kennedy and he was like, “Hey, dude, what if we told people to ‘Go on and do something’?” and Kennedy said, “Dude you are a moron” – they never would have gotten to one of the best lines in advertising. So in summary: Truth Bad. Lies Good.

Your Lucky Fast Food Character: The Hamburglar
Your Lucky Dehydration Side Effect: Fluorescent Pee


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC has never told a lie, except in those situations when the truth would have hurt and not, as John Cougar Mellencamp would tell you, “so good.” Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC getting a certified letter informing her that she has been bequeathed a private island by a long-lost wealthy aunt who always thought fondly of her sparkle and smile.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Creating amazing work isn’t just a matter of what goes on inside your head. Your environment counts too. So look around you. What do you see? Are you surrounded by a legion of half-empty cups and copies of ideas that have already died? Or is your desk a vast, empty expanse of nothingness, with nary a piece of flair in sight? Maybe you should do something about that. Because it might not help your creativity, but I’m sure nobody around you wants to be disgusted by your mess or depressed by your blandness.

Your Lucky Brand Name Turned Common Noun: Band-Aid
Your Lucky Unnecessary Kitchen Gadget: Mango Slicer



Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Any messes currently residing upon the desk of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC are merely temporary deviations from its usual state of stylish neatness and control. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC inventing a machine that automatically makes anything you’re hungry for, like the Jetsons had.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Wandering down memory lane isn’t just for old people sitting in rocking chairs or women bonding over coffee made from a powdered vanilla-flavored mix. It can be good for your creative soul too. So if you’re feeling a little uninspired today or wondering how the heck you ever ended up in this ridiculous business in the first place, bring on the soft focus lens and think back to the heady days when you were just getting started. Remember how excited you were? Remember how it seemed like you were on your way somewhere amazing? Remember how many stupid things you did? Remember how pitifully na├»ve you were?

There, don’t you feel better now?

Your Lucky Slightly Insane “Expert”: Cesar Millan
Your Lucky Useless Time-Waster: http://www.icanhascheezburger.com


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Maximum wool-gathering results can be achieved when attempted with a good friend, some General Foods International Coffee, and shared memories of a waiter named Jean-Luc. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC finding the time to build an awesome breakfast machine like Pee-Wee Herman’s.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

It always feels like there’s never enough time. Well guess what? There’s not. And there’s never going to be. You can whine and moan about your time shortage, which might feel nice, but means you’ll have even less time to do whatever it is you’re crying about not having enough time to do. Or you can shorten the pity party a bit and just do it. Hey, if it works for Nike…

Your Lucky Pseudo-Psychologist: Dr. Phil
Your Lucky Nightmare: The One Where All Your Teeth Fall Out



Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Anybody who feels like these predictions are sometimes a little harsh has no idea of how heavy the weight of psychic vision can be. You want happy-funny-lying future-seeing? Go to the carnival. Geez. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction.

Monday, July 16, 2007

The combination of Monday, high humidity levels, and the dominance of Jupiter in the fourth house of Mars means that you might be feeling a wee bit impatient today. Of course, the responsible way to handle such feelings would be deep breaths and keeping your mouth shut. But that’s not going to ease the psychic tension you feel. Here’s what I suggest instead: If, in a meeting today, your client says something stupid, respond “Hey, hey you. You know what? You are dumb! Dumbdumbdumb.” Can’t say that will help your career, but boy, will you feel better.

Your Lucky Anti-depressant: Lexapro
Your Lucky Allergy Everyone Thinks They Have But Most Don’t: Lactose



Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Any jobs lost as a result of inappropriate meeting outbursts are the sole responsibility of those silly enough to take this thing seriously. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC somehow inventing a Go-Go-Gadget copter that gets her to work and back without the bother of traffic or roads.

Friday, July 13, 2007

As befitting this Friday the 13th, we have a fabulous guest seer who has come back from the dead to predict your future. So give it up for Nostradamus!

Nostradamus says:

Burning torch will be seen in the sky at night
near the end and beginning of the Rhone:
Famine, steel: the relief provided late,
Persia turns to invade Macedonia.


Umm...thank you, Nostradamus. That was very, umm, illuminating.

Your Lucky Meat Substitute: TVP (Texturized Vegetable Protein)
Your Lucky Nasty Habit: Nose Picking while Driving



Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Nostradamus is probably just some dead guy who doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about, but you might want to keep an eye on Persia, just in case. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, because do you really want to trust a psychic who subs in some dead French guy instead of coming up with her own prescient tellings?

Thursday, July 12, 2007

It seems like well-meaning relatives and strangers who sit next to you on airplanes are always trying to give you ideas for commercials. And, yes, they’re usually pretty awful. But next time, instead of rolling your eyes and silently condemning them for their ignorant little concepts, maybe you should listen a little more carefully. You never know where you’ll find inspiration.

Your Lucky Midwestern City: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Your Lucky YouTube Phenomenon: Dramatic Prairie Dog



Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. You don’t HAVE to share the credit with your Aunt Bess if she gives you an idea, but it is the polite thing to do. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC developing an immunity to getting that damned “Young Folk” song stuck in her head.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Nobody likes meetings. They can be boring, they can be pointless and they can definitely go on way longer than necessary. But that doesn’t mean one shouldn’t arrive to them on time. If you find yourself complaining about how little time you have, think about the last meeting you went to. Did you come in on time? Or did you mosey in at about 15 minutes after the designated time, then spend the next couple hours bitching about how people waste your time in meetings? Time wasting is a two-way street. So give a hoot and don’t pollute other people’s life with your own form of inconsideration.

Your Lucky Neurotransmitter: Dopamine
Your Lucky Sesame Street Character: The Invisible One



Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. The Creative Horoscope is still considered prescient, even when it arrives after the day is halfway over. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC making a million dollars by rocking two turntables and a microphone.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Photoshop, InDesign, Microsoft Word: Computers have made our jobs a great deal easier. They’ve also, however, turned us into glassy eyed monkeys who spend most of our workday staring at monitors and watching inane video clips made by people with way too much time on their hands. So here’s an idea: Get off the computer today. Grab your notebook and a pencil, and see if you still remember how to work those bad boys.

Your Lucky Pie Flavor: Boysenberry
Your Lucky Sociological Term: Petite bourgeoisie


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Giant finger calluses that might result from over-enthusiastic use of pens, pencils, markers or other writing utensils are the sole responsibility of people who press too hard when they write. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC somehow getting on CNN and being able to utter the phrase “petite bourgeoisie” without snickering a little bit.