As the wise sage Joni Mitchell once said, “Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone?” Ms. Mitchell speaks the truth. So go ahead and take everything you’ve got for granted as much as possible, so when it’s gone, you’ll appreciate it that much more.

Your Lucky Gross-But-Strangely-Appealing Odor: Gasoline
Your Lucky Scandal-Loving Baseball Player: Darryl Strawberry


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. During the ill-fated year of 1991, 13-year-old Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, thought it’d be an excellent plan to play senior league baseball, because as everyone knows, adolescent boys are always welcoming to members of the opposite sex who try to join their groups. The only good thing that came out of that year was an awesome Darryl Strawberry signature baseball mitt. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC going back in time to August 1991 and deciding to play softball instead.

You know that thing I told you to do yesterday? Do it again today. And maybe tomorrow too.

Your Lucky Brilliant but Depressing Movie: Requiem for a Dream
Your Lucky Underappreciated Dark Comedy: Death to Smoochy


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. A single-household study on the effects of television introduction to a specific home in Chapel Hill has found that, as the frequency of Sportscenter viewing increases, the amount of spousal communication shows an equal but opposite reaction. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves the death of a certain gentleman upon disturbing Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC between the hours of 8 and 9 pm on the next twelve Wednesdays.

Tonight, when you go home, go home. Not the kind of going home where five minutes after you get in the door, you’re back on your computer. And not the kind where you make your spouse, your roommate, your chlldren, your dog, your Chia pet, or anything else in your vicinity listen to all the crap that happened to you at work today. Just go home and actually be there. Because your Blackberry might be fun, but it won’t keep you warm at night.

Your Lucky Pet That Looks Cute but Smells Bad: Ferret
Your Lucky Musician With a Political Agenda: Jeff Tweedy


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Some electronics, such as a laptop, may actually keep you pretty warm, but they are all notoriously bad snugglers. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, a million dollars and a hut in Barbados. And maybe a talking monkey.

Sometimes to be successful in this world, you’ve got to kiss a little butt. Your boss’s butt, your client’s butt, the butt of the waitress when you’re trying to order something off the kids’ menu and you know you’re not under 12. And yeah, smooching away your dignity never feels great, but it’s part of life. So close your eyes, pucker up, and think of England. Or the delicious grilled cheese sandwich you’re about to enjoy.

Your Lucky Spice Girl: Sporty
Your Lucky Suicidal Musician: Elliot Smith


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC does not enjoy kissing the proverbial butt, but unfortunately Guglhupf’s grilled Nutella sandwich is only on the kids menu. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC building a 100% perfect America’s Next Top Model bracket.

Today is a very special day here at the Creative Horoscope. We have with us none other than O.J. Simpson of football and Ford Bronco fame. Take it away, Juice!

FIRST, I NEED TO MAKE ONE THING CLEAR: I’M NOT AN ASTROLOGER, I’M O.J. BUT IF I WERE CAPABLE OF SEEING THE FUTURE, I WOULD TELL YOU THAT TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO COVER YOUR TRACKS. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN PEOPLE WILL ACCUSE YOU OF HEINOUS CRIMES YOU MOST DEFINITELY DID NOT COMMIT.

Your Lucky Defense Line: “If the glove don’ fit, you must acquit.”
Your Lucky Best Judge of All Time: The Honorable Lance Ito


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC does not condone entrapment, but does find it somewhat poetic that O.J. Simpson could possibly be imprisoned for life, not for anything that happened in Brentwood, but for a kerfluffle over some old jerseys or something. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC being able to sit down and watch television without ever again having to see Kato Kaelin (who, fyi, is actually named “Brian”).

Sometimes when things are going well, you may think it’s because you are perfect and can do no wrong. Incorrect. It’s more likely that nobody has yet discovered that you are fraud you secretly know yourself to be. So if you’re on top of the world right now, don’t let your head get too inflated. Because the fall back down to earth? Ow.

Your Lucky Breakfast Item: Egg McMuffin with Sausage and Hash Browns
Your Lucky Advertising Buzzword: “Weak Sister”


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC prevents against head swelling with relentless self-criticism and deprecation. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC going to space camp, accidentally ending up on a real shuttle and having to single-handedly save the world from total disaster.

It’s amazing what you can see and hear when you keep a low profile. And that’s the kind of stuff that could come in veeeeeeery handy in the future, if you know what I mean.

Your Lucky Condiment: Dill Relish
Your Lucky Disturbing yet Delicious Invention: Magic Shell


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC has never heard or seen anything that good because keeping a low profile is not exactly one of her signature traits. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC inventing a catapult that will launch her all the way from her home to the office, while she lies back and laughs at the sad traffic below.

I’m assuming your foot doesn’t taste all that great. So today, you might want to work on keeping it out of your mouth.

Your Lucky Tapeworm Detection Strategy: Hover Over a Shallow Bowl of Milk
Your Lucky Self-Help Book: “Make It So”: Leadership Lessons from Star Trek: The Next Generation

Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC enjoys putting her foot in her mouth on a regular basis, if only because it tastes so darn great. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC winning a contest in which the grand prize is a lifetime supply of Poland Spring sparkling water in the Mandarin Orange flavor.

A scientific study once found that most people, if given the order to push a button and cause another person great bodily harm, would push the button. So today, when somebody’s really bugging you (because you know somebody will), just take a deep breath and imagine jamming the crap out of that big red button as many times as it takes to make you feel better.

Your Lucky First Line of a Limerick: “There once was a man named Dave…”
Your Lucky Character that Terrifies Children: Chuck E. Cheese


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC likes to believe that she is one of the .001 percent of people who would refuse to push the button. But she wonders. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC bumping into Britney Spears in a nail salon, making friends, and helping her understand that she’s okay just the way she is.

Today will be the best day you have ever had. The bank will make a thousand-dollar mistake in your error, the Clearinghouse Prize Patrol will show up on your door step, your pets will magically stop shedding and you will suddenly develop the ability to freeze time, kind of like that scene in Big Fish where the popcorn is hanging in the air and Ewan McGregor knocks it down as he walks by.

Either that, or it will be just another Wednesday. Whichever.

Your Lucky Variety of Cheese: Gorgonzola
Your Lucky 90210 Episode: The one where Dylan’s dad blows up


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC is already having an amazing day and can’t wait to check her bank statement. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC developing the world’s most useful superpower: never having to pee again. Imagine the time that would save.

Only babies throw tantrums. And you don’t want to be a baby, do you?

Your Lucky Urban Dictionary Definition: “Butt Dial”
Your Lucky Mucus Color: Yellowish-Brown

Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC wouldn’t actually mind being a baby: cute outfits, someone to push you around all day long, plenty of sleep. Not a bad gig at all. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC getting a crafty show kind of like Martha Stewart, except where she messes up sometimes and everyone laughs in a totally charmed and happy way.

Sometimes you come up with awesome concepts. Sometimes those concepts die. Sometimes your awesome concepts deserved to die, because they weren’t nearly as awesome as you thought. But some concepts really were as good as you thought and they still died and it’s a crying shame and it happens every day. It happens and it’s no fun, but before you beat your head in with your officemate’s gold pencil, remember: It’s just advertising. So get over yourself. Then go smell some flowers or play with a puppy or something.

Your Lucky Urban Legend: Forward chain e-mail. Get money from Bill Gates
Your Lucky Nickname for Underwear: Chonies


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC has never kicked a trash can and cried after the death of a beloved concept. Because she is far too level-headed for that. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC forseeing the return of Freaks and Geeks or Carnivale. Whichever.

If you sit under a tree today and a bird poops on your head, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Your Lucky Biodiesel Benefit: Cars that Smell like French Fries
Your Lucky Movie Quote: “If you’re gonna spew, spew in this.”


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. One time in high school, Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC was sitting under a tree with four other people and, trying to be wry and witty, said “You know, I have bad luck. There could be five people sitting under a tree and the bird would poop on me.” Five minutes later…you know. Yeah. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny is super awesome, LLC inventing a stretching machine that would make her taller, not super tall, but at least tall enough that the “short” jeans aren’t still too long. Is that too much to ask?

Meetings are an inevitable part of work life. But do they have to be so miserable? Heck no. With a little creativity and some blatant disregard for what others think of you, spicing up a meeting is easy. Take, for example, the age-old meeting practice of saying the same thing approximately 47 times. In your next meeting, when someone begins re-re-paraphrasing their own point, try this: Yell “Platypus!” Or “Kidney Beans!” Or “I love my Grandma!” The subject matter is up to you, but anything loud enough to get everyone’s attention and random enough to potentially be excused as a Tourettic outburst should do the trick. Keep this up for a week or so, and before you know it, you’ll magically be excused from attending most meetings. Genius, I know. Sometimes I even blow my own mind.

Your Lucky Disgusting Thing You Might Find in My Office: A Moldy Snow Globe
Your Lucky Imaginary Disease Invented to Sell Medicine: Restless Leg Syndrome


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC may not know the difference between Martin Sheen and Martin Short but that doesn’t make her any less su—SULFUR SMELLS LIKE ROTTEN EGGS! Umm, anyways: Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny is super awesome, LLC microwaving a bowl of oatmeal and discovering a vision of the Virgin Mary floating in the brown sugary bits and selling said bowl of holy oatmeal on E-Bay for at least $50.

You are bursting with good ideas. That’s why you’re in this business. And yeah, good ideas are made for sharing. But when it comes to other people’s work, it might be smart to check in and see whether your good ideas are welcome before you start tossing them out. Not because you don’t want to offend anyone. But because who wants to waste genius on a bunch of people who can’t appreciate it?

Your Lucky Fashion Faux Pas: Wearing White After Labor Day
Your Lucky Blood-Sucking Parasite: Chiggers


Your Creative Horoscope is a registered trademark of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC and is for entertainment purposes only. Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC is always open to good ideas of any kind; what appears to be a defensive refusal to accept input from others is just a seemingly contradictory manifestation of her amazing listening skills. Any actual predictions of the future are accidental and not a reflection of the psychic powers of Jenny Nicholson is super awesome, LLC, unless said prediction involves Jenny is super awesome, LLC stumbling onto a top-secret experiment and getting shrunken, then injected into the veins of a famous comedian who is hopefully not Martin Short.